REALLY NOTHING AT ALL

23. REALLY NOTHING AT ALL:

Sometimes it's like in the middle of the night when you're walking through darkness and bumping into things in spite of avoidance and you're not really sure at first what they are but you're protective of parts of your body nonetheless - toes shins knees and all that - and you plod on slowly and treacherously through what once was familiar territory but now is a beleaguered darkened mess threatening you from all angles NONETHELESS you get where you're going and realize it was all familiar territory anyway and you start thinking 'without LIGHT' maybe all living is like that and the arguments ensue when people start debating what LIGHT really is and who it is who's flipping the switch changing the bulbs defining the illumination - whatever - and the ten thousand ways of describing GOD all amount to the same thing in that respect : the right definition of the light : and then you begin realizing that the enclosed space you were in during that darkness was in reality just the one big place in which you exist and the doors and windows out were nothing but equal ways too for light to come in WHEN and if it exists once more and the endless and broken defining of light/dark and all the rest just goes on and on and pretty much - even subconsciously - takes over the moments of your life WELL such were my thoughts as I reflected on my place and what I was doing as time passed and memories flowed : I thought of the guy I knew who blew his brains out in his yard on some sort of stupid whim about desperation and loneliness and sorrow and I saw the pre-figured waste that went with it the absolute uselessness of effort and MOST PROVACATIVELY the certitude of Godlessness by which such a life was lived and finished - and if it's ever easy for anything to have no consequences that was it for anything left - besides the garbage and rubble blood and pain (which was over in his one 'instant' anyway) there's really nothing left but vacant space or a reverse time wherein something once 'was' and now is no more and the entire matter amounts to nothing ('pillow talk among idle gypsies') and the street noises instead veer the mind back into the crowded vaults of Hell or Heaven - whichever men choose to call it - wherein everything is something else and nothing bears any solid meaning but for flux and alteration : SO I determine that I cannot say anything useful and might as well say NOTHING at all.
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Well it really never did matter much that the direction of the wind was changeable or that the intention of a scribbler was to fill one page after another page or that the Pageboy haircut for women was invented for some perversely sexual purposes having to do with medieval premises of Christian sexual identity or that all the difference in the world can be had by just how the pauses in the word phrase are spoken : 'John Smith has been found' versus 'John Smith (pause) Has Been (pause) Found' : all the difference in the world I'd say : and nonetheless people still walk around smarmy and with a glitter in their eyes yet point out the old Mark Twain pearl about 'the difference between the right word and the wrong word is the difference between 'lightning' and 'lightning bug'...' blah blah which it is not of course the two concepts being totally different both in nature and in word so how they ever arrived at that little pearl of supposed wisdom meaning anything I'll never know yet still people babble on about it and get away with such 'babble for the rabble' which is at the extreme ends all any of that media-crap stuff is anyway and it's the same as saying 'sometimes when I get tired I'm tired' which means nothing but to say that 'you' (the individual the 'UNIT' the parseable YOU) are tired and aware of being such (self-recognition self-identity being aware OF itself perhaps being the quality which separates US from the Animal Kingdom) and perhaps such reflection can make a ten-o'clock scholar out of every cheap little snit bastard who walks away from home with a bad story and a limp but whatever - I'd never want to have to write THAT reference book.